ARE YOU COMPATIBLE? DOES IT REALLY MATTER?
As social creatures, we have a deep and underlying desire to find that one perfect person to spend the rest of our days with. But what truly makes two people compatible for a relationship?
Naturally, you want to be with someone who shares the same dreams, values, and interests – perhaps even someone who enjoys similar activities like rock climbing or wine tasting.
Surely compatibility matters! But how well and how long do the relationships that have seemingly great compatibility and similar interests, truly last?
Dr. Ted Hudson of the University of Texas ran a longitudinal study of couples that had been married for years and in his research, he discovered something quite surprising. Dr. Hudson explains, “My research shows that there is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy.”
Dr. Hudson went on to say that couples that feel content and warmth in their relationships said that compatibility wasn’t an issue for them. In fact, they said that it was them who made the relationship work, not the compatibility of their personalities.
Yet when unhappy couples were asked what they thought about compatibility, they all answered by saying that compatibility is extremely important to a marriage. Dr. Hudson explains that when unhappy couples say, “we’re incompatible” they're truly meaning, “We don’t get along very well.”
That’s where the issue arises with compatibility – everyone who is unhappy naturally blames it on the facade of compatibility. They fail to realize and comprehend that a successful relationship does not hinge its future on how alike you are, instead it hangs on by the sheer willpower, desire and commitment to stay in a relationship.
This can be observed in arranged marriages, where they tend to last longer and tend to be happier in their relationships, according to international happiness surveys. Do these arranged marriages last longer because they don’t have the option of divorce like we do in the United States? Of course not, it’s because they choose to stay committed and aren’t looking for “the next best thing” or someone that’s more suitable in their eyes.
Professor of Sociology at Stanford University, Michael J. Rosenfeld explains that arranged marriages aren’t that different from the love relationships we have in the Western world. The greatest difference is in our cultures.
Americans value autonomy more than anything – they want the freedom to choose who they want to be with. More often than not, however, we get stuck in the perpetual loop of consciously and unconsciously considering someone else when things aren’t going perfectly in our own relationship. And this is where the illusion of compatibility comes into play.
Yes, you need to find the other person attractive, look up to them, and feel a strong sense of familiarity, but those are but a small slice of the pie that constitutes a healthy and lasting relationship. If you can love and accept each other for who you are today, not for who you can be tomorrow, then you have found your “soul mate”
Maybe it's not so much about "finding" the right person, but "being" the right person